


You don’t understand

by Ethan127



Series: Trans Felix [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Cuddles, Eating Disorders, Gender Dysphoria, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, It Ends With Fluff, M/M, My man just got destroyed here, Self-Harm, Trans Male Character, WTF did I write, chans hugs, rip felix man, trans!felix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:14:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28108389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ethan127/pseuds/Ethan127
Summary: Things are hard sometimes. Almost as hard as old habits die.//Please read the tags and if any of this is going to trigger you please don’t read it.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Series: Trans Felix [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2059557
Kudos: 27





	You don’t understand

**Author's Note:**

> Once again. Don’t read this if it’s going to trigger you or put you into a bad mental place. Please take care of yourself. And the yk I don’t really view them this was it’s fiction blah blah.

Three minutes until class, fuck. Another online lecture with my camera off and muted for the entire class unless forced to otherwise, thanks to the teacher. Not that I ever knew the answers to their questions, on days like these nothing else can fill my mind except thoughts, bad thoughts but.  
Who can blame me for thinking about the blood running down my arms or scars lining my thighs. It was more addicting and pleasing then the thoughts of my pained ribs under a binder, or the uncomfortable lack of a dick. The dysphoria was stronger than usual today, it had taken all my strength just to get out of bed, just to return to whenever I would get a moment to myself. No matter how short that moment was, I needed it. Because any time that I was lying face down in my bed listening to music was any time that I wasn’t thinking of everything wrong with me. I feel sick thinking about it, it feels so wrong, i feel so gross, i’m on the verge of crying and everything is too much for me today. I need a whole day just to wallow in pity and dysphoria. It's better than breaking my promise. I had promised Chan that I would talk to him when I was feeling these urges to hurt myself. But i can’t.  
Chan’s been having a good day so far, which unfortunately is starting to become a rare sight around him. I don’t want to be dragging him down with my own problems when he finally has a break from his own. Maybe if I did hurt myself then it would be okay. My problems would be solved and I would feel okay. I wouldn’t need to find Chan and bitch to him about my problems. But I can’t break my promise. I promised, I already feel like shit for not telling him when I started to notice my problems getting bad. But if he found out I hurt myself too, God he’d be so pissed. He’d be mad at me and he’d blame himself. I can’t, I’m stuck there is nothing I can do. I can’t relieve my pain and hurt myself, but I can’t just sit here and suffer. It feels like hell to do this. All this energy and stress is building in my chest and I can’t breathe. When was the last time I took off my binder? Does it matter? I feel dizzy and sick and I just need to do something. Just get rid of this feeling, it’s too much too fast. I need this to stop. Fuck it. I’ll apologize to Chan later.  
The blades are in a box in my drawer, where are the new ones, they are all dull. Why can’t I just- found it. The shiny blade slightly rusted and stained from the constant use of my blood. Beautiful, the drag against my skin barely burns anymore, after one cut I physically feel the release of the stress I was chasing. But it’s not enough, It’s not enough! I lose count of how many new scars there are to add to the collection on my wrists. I don’t stop until a majority of my arm is bleeding with new scars. They are all superficial, nothing is too deep because I’m weak. Pathetic, I’ve seen what Chans cuts looked like, they were all deep and gushed blood, I wish I could do that to myself.  
Chan… I love him so much, but there’s so much he doesn’t understand. Like sure he knows what it’s like to overwork yourself and starve yourself at the same time. But, he just doesn’t understand. It’s different, he just doesn’t understand because even if we’ve been in the same place we’re not now. He’s in a fairly sound state of mind and I’m not. His scars are old and healing, I’m still forcing myself to throw up and slitting my wrists over nothing. I’m weak. But it’s so familiar to be in this dark place, much more than it ever has been when I’m not. But I don’t want them to increase my medication dosage. It’d be useless.  
Finally after obsessing over the new blood on my arm I go to clean it up, not really cleaning it and more so wrapping it just not to get blood anywhere if I move my arm. Looking up from my arm into the mirror, god I’m disgusting. I mean look at that, I look so fat and my wide hips are beyond obvious, somehow more then the unwanted tissue invading my chest. I don’t want to look like this. I want to be so skinny and frail that I’m dead, people worry that I’m sick, that’s all I want. Not to look like this, looking like this is a failure and disgusting. I’ve let everyone down by letting myself look like this.  
I manage to peel myself from my bed and throw on a hoodie, thankfully before Chan invades into our shared room.  
“Hey lix, I just finished some work I was wondering if you wanted to cuddle or something”, my heart broke hearing that. And it wasn’t the way he said it, but it was knowing how disappointed and disgusted he would be with me. So I reply with a lie.  
“Yeah, I’d love to, but you know school work. You wouldn’t-“, before I could even finish my sentence I was being lifted by Chan and being lied back onto our bed. I hate that he can lift me like this. It makes me feel so feminine, so much weaker than he is. Because I know I wouldn’t be able to do the same as him. I just want to be strong but I can’t, I can’t. He has an advantage I’ll never be able to have in my life. Because my birth was just a big fuck you Lee Felix.  
But Chan's heavy breaths against my neck were comforting. It was so quiet I could hear his heart beating. A conformation that he was alive, living. And he chose to be here holding my against his chest. Me of all people. My grip on his shirt tightens as he pulls me into one of the softest and loving kisses he ever has. “Baby boy” the boy always sounds so forced like, people go out of their way to remind me. Like I’m not painfully aware of it all day every day. “Felix, I know you. I know that face, what happened?” His hand on my cheek, his eyes searching my own for an answer. I don’t give one, he just gets some unknown sounds into his chest as I hide myself there. But he does take it as an answer, his arms tighten around me giving me the safety I needed. I’m safe, he is my safe place.  
At some point while being squished into the chest of the man I loved beyond all, I had fallen asleep, in one of my favorite places to sleep. With Chan wrapped around me singing softly to me. He may not remember what it’s like to be in a dark place, but he sure as hell remembers to comfort someone in one.

**Author's Note:**

> Congrats Ethan you somehow projected yourself so hard you could change the names and it becomes reality instead of fiction.


End file.
